A Birth Story Part 2
By this point, I was SO BEYOND exhausted, I was starting to get really nauseous, I just wanted that baby out! My anxiety was almost beyond my control. Why was this taking so long!? Dr. French checked me and talked with the nurse and then came and sat on the end of the bed to chat with me. She told me that they were concerned that maybe my pelvis wasn't wide enough for some reason and that they thought I should consider a C-Section. As you recall, earlier in the evening I had flipped my lid at the thought, but by this point, all I wanted was to have this baby out. So I agreed. The anesthesiologist came in while we were talking and I begged him to put me to sleep during the surgery. This might seem weird to some, but if you've had anxiety before, you understand when the only thing you can concentrate on is getting out of the current situation. It's that flight or fight response. He agreed that he could do that, but warned me that I would not remember the birth. I told him, that was okay, that Chris would be there to hold our precious baby right away. And since I was having a C-Section anyway, it wasn't like I was going to be able to hold him right away anyway.
Then I started throwing up. Except there was nothing in my stomach to throw up, so nothing was actually coming out. The nurses warned me that they were going to move quickly and not to be alarmed, and I was thankful because there was nothing I wanted more in the world at that moment than to get this whole thing over while and past. I layed there miserably and tried to take deep breaths. There was some hyperventilating, an oxygen mask, and lots of pep talks from Chris. We waited and waited and waited. Another nurse came in, "Did you hear we got bumped? Dr. French had another emergency C-Section." Great. We waited and waited. It was 11pm on September 10th. I wanted my baby to be born on 9/10.... not 9/11. Please hurry I begged in my mind. Another nurse came in, "You got bumped again. Another emergency." We waited and waited. I so badly wanted to get out of this bed.
Finally just after midnight, it was our turn. They made Chris put on scrubs, and my sister left with all of our stuff to the lobby on our floor. I assume they must have started the spinal, I honestly have no idea when that happened. But as they wheeled my back to the OR I start shaking like crazy. It was an achey shaky feeling. I wanted this all to be over. I tried to focus on the moment when I would get to wake up to my sweet boy.
They got me to the OR and onto the table. I was so overcome with anxiety that the details are super blurry. I remember Chris coming in, and the anesthesiologist by my head. They said it was time to start. The next thing I remember, is a blurry vision of the doctor saying, "Look over there! There's your husband and your son!" I turned my head, and there was Chris holding up Max.
Then the next thing is a nurse waking me up as they wheeled me back to the recovery room. I could hear Max crying somewhere. "Where is he?" I asked the nurse. He's with your husband, they are weighing and measuring him, they will be here in just a minute. Sure enough, a moment later, in walked Chris and Max. "He's got blue eyes!" was the first thing Chris said to me. I was so worried that Max was going to have brown eyes like Chris. I wanted a blue eyed baby so badly! (This is not to say that I would have loved him any less if he had brown eyes, of course.) They told me he weighed only 6lbs and 14oz. A tiny peanut for being 10 days late! He was born at 12:37 am on 9/11. It was a date that I had really wanted to avoid, but by that point I had surrendered. I couldn't have control over everything. He was 21.5 inches long, and had the skinniest little legs I've ever seen. We still don't know where his height comes from!
We were in the recovery room for a long time. I had a high heart rate and also high blood pressure. I held Max while Chris went to get my sister. There only could be one other person back there with me, so while she came in, he had to stay in the lobby. While she was in there with me, they told me she needed to take him in the room next door while they cleaned me up some more. I could hear him crying with her and her talking to him. I was so glad that they got those few minutes together as baby and auntie. It turns out that Chris went to the lobby and promptly fell asleep for a few minutes on the couch. When I was done, my sister went to go get Chris and we made our way to our new room. It was on a different floor and was considerably smaller than the previous room we had been in. Technically it wasn't visiting hours anymore, so after my sister helped us bring in our stuff, she had to leave. I can't really remember what time it was at this point, I think it was at least 2am. We were so beyond exhausted, but I was so happy to have Max and that for the awful nightmare of giving birth was over.
In the morning, we had a sweet nurse come in. Chris was attempting to change his first diaper (and the was the first poopy one too - so you know what that means!) She checked his work and told him he was a pro! I was still really out of it, and was still having really high blood pressure. For a while, I kept looking over at Max and wondering where the other baby was. It's amazing how crazy exhaustion can make you. My sister came back and brought us coffee. Bless her. I was finally allowed to have my first meal at lunch that day. I don't even remember what I had, but I was so hungry, I gobbled the whole thing down.
They were keeping me on the pain meds pretty well, which I was thankful for. They finally pulled the catheter out and our sweet nursed helped me to the bathroom. I was so thankful for her. She was compassionate and helpful and I just felt taken care of by her. The next day, I was having chest pain, and they were worried about fluid in my lungs. So, they scheduled a CT scan for me down at the main hospital. (It's connected to the woman's hospital by long halls and underground corridors.) I wanted Chris to come with me, but they wouldn't allow the baby to stay with my sister (he had to be with one of us) so my sister came with me while Chris stayed with the baby. I had never had a CT scan before, but it was a weird experience. You get this weird rush of blood sensation as it ends, and I seriously though my incision had opened up and gushed everywhere. Thankfully it hadn't and the CT scan came back negative. On Sunday, I was still experiencing really high blood pressure so my doctor ordered bloodwork to check my thyroid. Thankfully that also came back negative. I think all the high blood pressure was just all of the anxiety I was having about everything. I honestly was handling it okay by this point, but it still had been a pretty traumatic experience.
We had one other slight problem which was that Chris was scheduled to take this test for work early on Monday morning. So we arranged for my sister to spend the night with me on Sunday so he could go home, get some sleep and take his test. I am so thankful for my sister (and Chris, too) as they helped keep Max happy and fed all night. I was still trying to breastfeed at this point, but to be honest, it wasn't going super well. They woke me up and reminded me to pump and helped as I fed Max through the feeding tube. I think my sister stood at Max's bassinet for hours at a time letting him suck on her finger. (This is because they wouldn't give us a paci -- lesson learned, next time we will bring our own paci... it's clear that's what he wanted!)
By Monday we felt ready to go home. (As ready as we were ever going to be!) I spent most of the day getting everything "checked off." Max had to have his hearing test, we had to get pain prescriptions, etc. I was able to shower again and get the dressings off my incision. It had been a long couple of days as far as my recovery. I could still barely move and my incision hurt so much, but I was ready to be home and sleep in my own bed.
The way Max ended up joining us is nothing like I could have imagined. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done. If there are any more babies in our life, I will mostly likely schedule a repeat C/S and not opt for a VBAC. I learned that my anxiety, while not always present, can be practically paralyzing. I think being able to schedule a C/S and not go through the unknown of labor will be helpful for me.
This was unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It took me a long time to process it all, and in some ways, I still am. I still sometimes lay awake at night thinking about it and worrying about what it will be like if we have another baby. I learned a lot about myself through this. I learned that my anxiety has the potential to get extreme. I learned that hospitals can be scary, but that they are filled with wonderful, caring nurses and doctors. I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I can't control everything, and that sometimes it's best to just let go.
So tell me, did we have any similar birthing experiences?
