An Honest Post

I want to get honest with you guys today because this has been weighing heavy on my heart recently.

Here’s the truth: I yearn to have a daughter. (Two would be even better.)

Let me back up. When I got pregnant, I knew I was having a girl. I was SURE of it. I didn’t see myself as anything other than a girl mom. I wanted lots of little girls, I wanted the drama, I wanted the bows, the tutus, the endless outfits.

Around the 16 week mark, Chris and I went to an outside ultrasound place and had the technician write down the gender on a slip of paper and put it in an envelope. She asked us what we thought it was, because, as she said, “Moms usually know.” She wrote down what our baby was and we went on our way. I just had this sinking feeling that I was wrong though. I don’t know if it was the way the tech acted after I told her I thought it was a girl, or the way she told me that she was “positive” of the gender, but I just had this tiny voice in the back of my mind that said, “it might be a boy.” I ignored the voice and tried to forget about it.

Fast forward a few days to our gender reveal. We were with our best friends in South Carolina, and they had ordered some cupcakes with either blue or pink frosting in the middle. We had taken a red eye to get there, which I don’t recommend doing (especially while pregnant) so I was already sort of exhausted. The moment we bit into those cupcakes and I saw the blue frosting, my heart sank. I wish that I had been as excited as I would have been if it was pink frosting, but my emotions were raw and honest and I burst into tears. It’s not because I didn’t love this little boy with my whole heart, it’s not because I wasn’t excited about having a Momma’s boy… it was about me. It was about what I wanted and what I thought I should be having. It was selfish. And yet, I couldn’t hide my disappointment. I wasn’t going to be that Momma with lots of little girls. I wasn’t going to a firstborn girl (like I am), I was going to have a son. And I loved him. So much. But I was disappointed.

I want to reiterate, it had nothing to do with Max. I LOVE Max with every fiber of my being. But I was disappointed that I didn’t have a baby girl. MY plan wasn’t working out. I guess that’s where the problem is. It isn’t about MY plan. It never was, and sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow.

I got over this disappointment after a few days after we found out, and embraced the fact that I was going to be a boy momma, but kept telling myself that I could have girls next.

Fast forward to this past weekend. We found out that Chris’ sister is having TWIN GIRLS. I am SO happy for her. But I’m also completely crushed. She’s getting little girls who will be best friends, who will always have each other, and will be forever united over sisterhood. She’s going to get twice the bows, the tutus, the cute little outfits.

Jealousy is so ugly.

I hate that I’m so jealous. I hate that it makes me seem ungrateful for the PERFECT, HEALTHY little boy that God gave me. I'm not ungrateful. After going through a rough pregnancy and even more challenging birth, I know that his little life is nothing short of a miracle.

The worst part is, there isn’t a single person who can reassure me that things will work out. It cannot be predicted. We might have a girl next, we might have a boy. A healthy baby is certainly my priority, but… I want a daughter so badly. I think part of it is because I want that mother daughter bond so badly. My experience with a mother-son bond is minimal, about 9 months. But I have a great mom with whom I share a very special mother-daugher bond with. I’m the daughter, but I want so badly to be the Momma to a daughter. I want to experience that bond as a Momma.

I also have a theory that boys grow up and get married and love their wives, they still love their Mommas, of course, but their heart belongs to their wife. Girls grow up and forever have special bonds with their Moms. If they call them every day, it’s no big deal. If boys call their mom every day, they are clingy and their wives probably don’t approve. (Again, here's some honesty for you -- I'd be annoyed if my husband called his mom every day.) I’m not saying Max will ever love me any less, but I’d love a daughter who calls me every day until I die.

I understand that some of this might seem a little dramatic, but please don’t judge me. I have an unconditional love for Max and he’s my perfect firstborn son, so this isn’t about him. It’s about my yearning for a daughter. It’s about how I don’t know how to diminish my worry and anxiousness about having a daughter until I actually get pregnant again and we have a gender ultrasound.

To be clear: I'm NOT pregnant, and don't plan to be for a while. However, I AM a planner. I like to have plans in place for every aspect of my life. Even if we have to change and alter a plan as we go along, I always feel calmer if there was a plan in place to begin with.

Have you ever had a situation where you felt really happy for some big moment in someone's life, but you were also a little jealous as well?